It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
