my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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