It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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