god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
