I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
