Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I could fuck to npr.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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