If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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