mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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