Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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