I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
