Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
