omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
