so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize