When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
