you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
