It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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