just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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