i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
