turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
