How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
