i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
