wakey wakey hands off snakey
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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