I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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