It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
