By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
