I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
