Umm I'm too high to move.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dignity is for republicans.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
