Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
