I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
