Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
not ubering you a puppy
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
