I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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