I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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