hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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