I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
