theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
