i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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