Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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