Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I need moral support for this bender
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize
