Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
worst night to have a conscience
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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