I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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