I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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