Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
