I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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