yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
