my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
