Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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