I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
