8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
