I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
