you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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