you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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