Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
