i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
