Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
then he tried to convert me to islam
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
