you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
